I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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