My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
