You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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