ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
