If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
