She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize