Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
