Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
