You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Oh god it's open bar.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
