WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I came so hard my ears popped.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
