I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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