I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
