a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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