You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Randomize
