You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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