I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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