I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
