Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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