I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
