a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
