I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
