Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
