there's paper in my vomit.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
