You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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