is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
