so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
