drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
