There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
