Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
