I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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