he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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