just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
