he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
