we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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