she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
