I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
