Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
