I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
