Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize