So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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