Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
