You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
