I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
