tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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