On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
