Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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