your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
