I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
