Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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