i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
