good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
