I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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