ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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