the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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