She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
All I want is dick and wine.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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