She is in my trunk
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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