But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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